Bitch Bakes Good Shit

My friend and roommate Jessica is amazing. I know, I know. That's a pretty general statement that many people would say about their friends, but I'm serious. Jessica is amazing. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. The list goes on and on. But the greatest thing about Jessica is that she bakes. I don't mean she smokes a lot of pot. I mean she gets in the kitchen to her OCD-level labeled drawers full of different types of flours, sugars, nuts, fruits, and magic, and she bakes. At least once a week. If she's stressed she might bake twice in the same week. It's how she deals with life. Baking. This means that I have the best roommate in the world as when I need to deal with life I eat.

My other roommate Patrick today stared at me as I slowly, guiltily, ate my fourth cowboy cookie of the day. A cowboy cookie is a perfect mixture of chocolate chips, oatmeal, soy nuts, craisins, and God only knows what all else all shoved into one amazing cookie. "I hate these damned cookies," I confess. "They're there. So I have to eat them."

Patrick nods knowingly. "Bitch bakes good shit."

And that's when it hit me. That's the perfect name for Jessica's bakery (that she doesn't yet know I forcing her to open). It's a catchy name that will draw people in for the curiosity factor as well as a truth. Right now, as I'm typing this, I'm craving one of her massive cowboy cookies. I forgot to mention that Jessica is incapable of making a small cookie. These are smaller than the last batch, and they're still about 5 inches in diameter. I want one.

Ooooh! Or her brownies. We have these ridiculous vegan friends that come over on occasion. Now why anyone would voluntarily give up meat is beyond me, but not eating butter or milk! It's un-American. Jessica found a recipe for vegan brownies. "I'm not about to eat that," I thought to myself. Well, I got hungry the next day, forgot that the brownies were vegan, and BAM! Best brownie ever. Patrick and I were furious that we were duped. How can something so wrong taste so right? I drank a big glass of milk with mine so I could feel like a red-blooded American, but the truth is that I could have just eaten that perfect moist chocolately brownie all by itself. A few days later Jessica asked what she should bake. Patrick emphatically shouted, "Those fucking brownies!" I couldn't agree more.

So look out, world. Coming next Spring! A new specialty baking boutique: "Bitch Bakes Good Shit". Serving a rotating array of delicious delights like Cowboy Cookies and Those Fucking Brownies. Ah! Life is good!