Bitch Bakes Good Shit

My friend and roommate Jessica is amazing. I know, I know. That's a pretty general statement that many people would say about their friends, but I'm serious. Jessica is amazing. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. The list goes on and on. But the greatest thing about Jessica is that she bakes. I don't mean she smokes a lot of pot. I mean she gets in the kitchen to her OCD-level labeled drawers full of different types of flours, sugars, nuts, fruits, and magic, and she bakes. At least once a week. If she's stressed she might bake twice in the same week. It's how she deals with life. Baking. This means that I have the best roommate in the world as when I need to deal with life I eat.

My other roommate Patrick today stared at me as I slowly, guiltily, ate my fourth cowboy cookie of the day. A cowboy cookie is a perfect mixture of chocolate chips, oatmeal, soy nuts, craisins, and God only knows what all else all shoved into one amazing cookie. "I hate these damned cookies," I confess. "They're there. So I have to eat them."

Patrick nods knowingly. "Bitch bakes good shit."

And that's when it hit me. That's the perfect name for Jessica's bakery (that she doesn't yet know I forcing her to open). It's a catchy name that will draw people in for the curiosity factor as well as a truth. Right now, as I'm typing this, I'm craving one of her massive cowboy cookies. I forgot to mention that Jessica is incapable of making a small cookie. These are smaller than the last batch, and they're still about 5 inches in diameter. I want one.

Ooooh! Or her brownies. We have these ridiculous vegan friends that come over on occasion. Now why anyone would voluntarily give up meat is beyond me, but not eating butter or milk! It's un-American. Jessica found a recipe for vegan brownies. "I'm not about to eat that," I thought to myself. Well, I got hungry the next day, forgot that the brownies were vegan, and BAM! Best brownie ever. Patrick and I were furious that we were duped. How can something so wrong taste so right? I drank a big glass of milk with mine so I could feel like a red-blooded American, but the truth is that I could have just eaten that perfect moist chocolately brownie all by itself. A few days later Jessica asked what she should bake. Patrick emphatically shouted, "Those fucking brownies!" I couldn't agree more.

So look out, world. Coming next Spring! A new specialty baking boutique: "Bitch Bakes Good Shit". Serving a rotating array of delicious delights like Cowboy Cookies and Those Fucking Brownies. Ah! Life is good!

Massholes--An Open Letter to the Governor of Massachusetts

Dear Governor Patrick,

I am writing to you on behalf of the American motorist. I have lived in five states in the last five years, and nowhere have I feared for my life more than when sharing the road with drivers from the Bay State. In Rhode Island we loving refer to residents from your state as "Massholes". It's a pun. It sounds like assholes.

The irresponsible patterns of your drivers not only endanger other motorists, pedestrians, cyclists, and roadway stability, but these drivers create an undue amount of stress on others sharing the road. I have not been able to uncover any official studies yet, but I am certain that the average New Englander loses between two to three years of their life over the stress of driving with your citizens on the road.

In the spirit of fairness, let me say that bad drivers are not unique to Massachusetts. Drivers in Texas notoriously speed. In Illinois they rarely use their turn signals. In West Virginia everyone creeps along at a sluggish pace. The difference between them and your citizens, however, lies in the unpredictability of your drivers. For example, a Masshole may or may not use his turn signal. Oftentimes they begin to make a turn, turn on their signal halfway through the turn, and then continue driving with the signal still flashing. On more than one occasion, I have seen a Masshole have their right turn signal on and then turn left.

My favorite move here is the Masshole left hand turn. In the generally agreed upon rules of normal roadway driving, when the light turns green someone turning left yields to oncoming traffic unless there is a protected turn signal. A Masshole, however, makes the left hand turn immediately after the light turns green--oncoming traffic be damned. If you are unaware of this strange rule the Masshole will let you know with some combination of honking and/0r shooting you the bird.

Massholes can be easily spotted on the road even if the red and white license plate is not visible. They usually are on their cell phone and if not they are fiddling with the radio, the windows, the mirrors, really anything except watching the road. Massholes will without exception take up two spots when parallel parking and stop between two gas pumps when refueling.

Governor Patrick, there are many threats to this country today. Terrorists attack civilians. Wall Street bankers attack our economy. Immoral agents attack our youth. But nothing presents more of a threat to our nation as the completely inconsiderate and oblivious drivers from your state. I am petitioning congress to pass a federal mandate that auto makers must put a device on the wheels of all motor vehicles sold to residents of Massachusetts that lock as soon as the motorist crosses the state line. Please keep your idiot drivers off our roads.

Sincerely,

Charles

Click Here for a definition of "Masshole"